Uncovering truths

Hello everyone!!! 

Today is a day of self-discovery for me.  In an earlier post I was asking if anyone had any insight into self sabotage.  I also asked my online friends if they had any ideas as to why some of us seem to sabotage our own efforts, especially when we near a milestone.  People had various answers, but none of them hit home with me.  Then I went online and began to search myself for psychological reasons people self-sabotage, and I found some interesting reasons - all of which I will list in case some of these spark an awareness in you:

Methods of Self-Sabotage

• Not believing you deserve to be thin or have what you want.
• Telling yourself that dieting is too hard and you are not disciplined enough to follow through.
• Worrying how you’ll be accepted at your goal weight.
• Letting fear of life without the fat barrier get the best of you.
• Being afraid of how you’ll respond when people show they are attracted to you.
• Fear of losing yourself to the new, slim version of you.
• Fear of failure and fear of success.
• Wish not to deal with jealous friends.
• Fear of having excess hanging skin after you lose a lot of weight.
• You won’t be able to use fat as an excuse to stay on the sidelines of life anymore.
• You think people will have higher expectation of you after you lose weight.
• You are unhappy and feel undeserving of success

 
While some of them like fear of failure (with me that would be gaining the weight back) touched a note in my mind, I realized that none of them resonated as the MAIN reason I would have this destructive and repetitive behavior.  Then I went on a website that I found very informative and interesting: http://www.peertrainer.com/ and it's there that I think I may have found my answer. It was in the article Psychology of Weight Loss 101.  In that article they asked a simple question that you had to answer before moving on and to me that question was PROFOUND!!! And I believe that many people will find more of an answer within themselves by answering this simple question:

What do I get to avoid in my life by carrying this extra weight?

That question really made me think.  You see I'm not a shy person who's trying to hide behind the weight.  I do not have low self-esteem (although answering this question brought some PAST insecurity issues to the mind).  I have a fabulous marriage so I'm not insecure in that way.  But the thought of using my weight to avoid something was intriguing to me.  So I really thought about it and identified a few real deep rooted issues in my life that I am going to have to deal with if I want this weight gone for good!
 

1. In my childhood my father was a very sick man.  We had a dog kennel that was a tremendous amount of physical work.  As he got sicker a lot of that work fell to me and my sister.  We worked like "dogs" pardon the pun.  I remember starting work in the kennel as soon as I got home from school (cleaning them, feeding and watering animals, taking care of puppies, giving vaccines, clipping dogs, bathing dogs, etc.) and not entering the house for supper until after 10:00 at night.  I realized that being overweight (with the bad back that went along with it) had allowed me to avoid hard physical work.  I'm willing to work hard at any job I'm at (which have mostly been desk jobs), but my physical limitations (and my doting husband and sons) have spared me from heavy physical work. In fact this summer with my husband working out of town and much of the physical garden work fell to me, and I found myself getting angry and resentful.  It's now obvious to me that having had to work that physically hard in what should have been my carefree childhood has left a lasting mark on me. But I'm thinking I can still limit my physical labor without slowing killing myself with food...don't you?  
2. When I was first married, I was very insecure in my marriage.  After all I got married at 17 because I was pregnant.  For the longest time I was afraid my husband who has so much honor and integrity married me because he felt he had to.  I began to gain this weight very early in my marriage. Of course now after 28+ years of marriage I've learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that he really LOVES me!!!  However, it dawned on me that had my fears been realized, I would have been able to blame my unloveability on my weight.  I would have been able to AVOID any personal responsibility for a broken relationship.  In a strange sort of way I think I may have put this weight on as a precautionary measure - just in case.  Doesn't that sound insane?

I'm sure many more crazy discoveries will come to light as I really think about this question.  These two will occupy me for now.  I have NO DOUBT in my mind that I'll be able to deal with these two issues as I can clearly see they are grounded in lies - both of them.  And we all know the truth sets you free. :-)
I feel liberated!!!  I've never been one to delve deeply into my mind and Psyche to figure out behaviors.  I truthfully thought it was a huge waste of time and energy.  But recently, through watching The Biggest Loser, and seeing how those trainers have to dig deep to the root of the contestants issues in order to heal them mind, body and soul...I've decided to do a little mind excavating myself.  And low and behold, I'm realizing that I have things in my subconscious that have been impacting my life. Who knew???

On a side note - I'm doing fantastic in my run/walking routine.  I'm continuing on with the 30 seconds of running and then 60 seconds of walk/recovery.  I have found already this week that it's getting easier.  I can measure this with my Heart Rate Monitor.  So next week, I'm going to step it up and begin running for 45 seconds and leaving my walk/recovery time at 60 seconds.  My son John recommended this strategy and I think it's going to work fabulously.

Stats:

Weight 214.5

Accumulated miles: 3.68
BMI: 31.5

Body Fat %: 43.7